january 14th, 2022
4:57 pm
listening to: title fight's hyperview
I've been so awol on here and i literally have no excuse other than burn out lol but im gonna grind thru it like i always do because faliure is not an option for me anymore!!

anyway, i'm playing cyberpunk 2077 while listening to music and while i was driving around my mind began to wander to how weird it was i was blasting ariana grande's old bubblegum pop/r&b while playing a game so dystopian lol
then i started to think about how much hate this girl gets for the kind of music she makes. like i remember i saw one person say that she saw 22 people blow up at her own concert yet still makes the most vapid music ever and to that i say: seems a bit insensitive to use such a traumatic event for both her and the families involved as leverage for criticism against her music, and second, i personally don't think that your art has to reflect your own trauma or anything lmfao.
it made me think about how much shit the singer for Emmure got after he went on twitter talking about how he disagrees with a lot of his old music because of how negative it was. People we're angry as fuck because, idk, he grew as a person and decided to stop being so edgy all the time. there's a time and place to dwell in your own issues and feel them to their fullest extent, and music can be a cathartic way to cope with said emotions, but some of these ppl especially in the metal/alt scene just use this negaitve ass music as an awful feedback loop and don't even realize how damaging it might be for them.
like man, i love metal and rock and whatever as much as the next guy, but do yall actually think i sit down for hours listening, analyzing those lyrics every time i listen to them?? NO!! I don't, personally. You know why?? Because I already have an issue with overthinking and ruminating to the point i had to go to therapy for it and tried self medicating with other shit i wasn't ready for. (like this ramble started from mind wandering while im trying to decompress by playing video games!!) What makes yall think i want to listen to music about a person's fucked up life with drug addiction and familial abuse all the damn time??
idk criticisms against ariana grande and other pop girlies are so fucking lazy and tired and CORNY. I get ppl are edgy, like fine, i went thru my edgy phase too and i fully embraced it. some people need to be edgy to get thru whatever they're going thru and that's fine. but at least be honest with yourself tbh, some of yall straight up don't like to have fun and like to stay stuck in your awful feedback loop of hate and hurt. That's why some ppl project onto others and become so pretentious about the music they listen to, too.
"Ariana grande makes bad and shallow music," okay? You said you piece, and now what? exactly. Her lyrics don't make sense sometimes but that's not gonna stop my stupid monkey brain from liking it. What if i just want to have fun? I think too much all the damn time, i just wanna hear this blackfishing italian girl sing dumb lyrics for 5 minutes without someone bringing up the fact her lyrics are dumb. your mom is dumb, now what? exactly.
remember, theres a time and place for ruminating, shadow work, whatever. it doesn't have to be all the time. it's okay to turn your brain off and enjoy stupid shit. go listen to her beep bop music and smoke some weed. pet a cat. hug ur loved ones.

anyway, I've been binge watching succession on HBO. Good show, good memes. I also met a guy from Ukraine who's helping me learn Russian. And i figured out im basically somewhere on the weird aromantic spectrum. I never cared about labels or anything cuz they're stupid and just complicate things sometimes but it fits.
goodbye i will update yall later when something exciting happens

OH I FORGOT! I took an ancestry test back in Novemeber and recently got my results in. Mostly Spanish, Portuguese, and Native Puerto Rican! I had some other cool unexpected stuff too, like 1% Eastern European and Russian. Super cool!
december 28th, 2021
9:13 am
listening to: duster
life has been okay. up and down. too lazy to explain.
i found this in my tumblr drafts. it didn;t feel appropriate to post it there, so here i am. i wish i had more of these surreal, atmospheric experiences and memories, but life has been a drag since i moved.
--
it's cold tonight.
here are some random surreal feeling memories from my childhood:
  • my older sister taking me on a walk to the park during spring where along the way we picked honeysuckles growing along side a cracked cement wall, all while she told me stories of her childhood in Ohio.
  • scanning the long strip of grass beside my local park's football field for a four leaf clover. A girl around my age showed up who expressed to her mom she had the same goal as me. I was too shy to approach her.
  • waking up in my grandmother's bedroom to the sound her tv playing the local news on Telemundo and smelling her favorite perfume in the air before she left for work.
  • riding in the trunk of my grandparent's family van with my cousins in puerto rico with the trunk door open to see the gravel road and cars behind us as we left the pool to go home.
  • spending a summer's day with my family and my older sister's boyfriend in New York City where we stopped at a park with water sprinklers to play in. It was hot and the end of our day, at sunset, and I wanted to go play in it but didn't have a change of clothes or anyone willing to come with me. I was too shy to go alone. My sister's boyfriend offered to come along and we ran into the sprinklers together, dancing in the water. We took the train home soaking wet.
  • another summer's day in Manhattan with my parents and my younger cousin. It began to rain and we took shelter near the entrance of some office building. I stayed in the rain though, spinning, enjoying the drizzle.
  • gazing up at the sky between buildings while standing on my grandmother's bed. The window was wide open and I could feel the strong, cool breeze blowing through. I felt like flying.
  • having my first sleepover with my best friend for her birthday weekend. We fell asleep on her living room floor after watching movies all night and I woke up early to us cuddling, her arm around me.
december 8th 2021
2:15 pm
listening to: title fight
i have water in my ear that i can't get out.
went on youtube earlier and saw this youtuber i watched uploaded a new video. her name is brittany simon. trying to explain the kind of content she makes is a little bit complicated, but i suppose the best way to describe it is "analyzing humans in relation to existance using her level system," as she would most likely put it.
she has this level system used to analyzing and categorize human beings depeding on their level of self awareness to their own and other's existance. i found her channel at a perfect time in my life when i needed it - at the height of my emotional instability and feling lost and hurt by these things i was trying to process. she suffers from bpd, and at the time i thought i had bpd, since i was clearly showing severe symptoms. her way of analyzing the world was one of the things that helped ground me when i needed it.
but lately i've been feeling a bit annoyed by her content. i'm not sure why. i figured we all go through phases of watching different creators depending on where we are in our lives. like 13-15 i was really into personality types so that was all i consumed. around 17-19 i was really into politics and debates was all i consumed. now i watch video essays on a bunch of different topics, with some stupid light hearted shit to keep me from going insane again.
i just feel like her whole level system now is a bit obnoxious. she's never given the impression her "philosophy" or her "analytical system" is the be all and end all of anything, or that it's inherently hierarchical, but i find it a bit annoying now. the whole point of it is to kind of step outside of your own cultural bubble and have the ability to analyze the world in a nuanced way that isn't through the filter of what you were preveiously conditioned to believe, and depending on the person, they'll eventually reach level 5, which is enlightenment. she makes it a point to emphasize that not everyone is meant for enlightnement, and that it isn't a heirarchy, but... i'm not rly sure how to express what i think honestly.
maybe i'm simply just tired of it? also some parts of her philosophy seems very flimsy and i noticed certain parts of it were taken from DBT, which is dialectical behavioral therapy, which is a type of therapy designed for people who are suffering from bpd.

anyway, i might go see my boyfriend next week. i know once i'm there i'll enjoy my time, but i really do not like traveling by plane after my last experience earlier this summer. he also kind of tainted the idea of going for me because of how whiney and insitent he is on an answer and just buying the ticket, even though i don't have a lot of money, and he's so irresponsible with his own money that it doesn't even matter if he has a good job or not. i'll just go so he can finally stop asking me and making me feel like shit over it. it makes me so fucking angry how much i have to repeat myself.
i kind of want to cut off my hair again. im gonna go take a shower now.
december 6th 2021
6:39 am
listening to: title fight
i watched the new ghostbusters movie last night with my parents and it was... cute i guess. i've never seen the original so i dont feel any connection to it. about half way thru the 2nd Act i kind of spaced out and thought "what am i doing here?" the movie wasn't boring, it was pretty entertaining and enjoyable even if some of the humor towards the end made me cringe. im not very much of a comedy person.
i got home and reconnected with a family member who i call my cousin but he's not really my cousin. he's the child of my grandfather's cousin. my grandfather isn't actually biologically related to me either. he's my grandmother's second husband. anyway.4
so ive known this kid since he was a baby, like before he was born. it was so crazy talking to him again. he's really into the whole dream smp if you have the unfortunate knowledge what that is. its bascially a group of a bunch of minecraft youtubers.
i rememeber when i was rly into minecraft and playing it on my shitty xbox 360. god i miss it.
anyway im gonna go work out before the sun comes up. i genuienly like working out. sometimes i wish i was in martial arts again but i dunno. i was pretty good but i forgot most of my shit. made it all the way to a blue belt in tae kwon do and karate.
this entry was such a mess. i just woke up from a weird ass dream but i forgot it already.
december 5th 2021
3:20 am
listening to: astrology/crypto shit on yt

sleep schedule fucked up. what's new. i swear every journal post i make is me complaining that my sleep schedule is fucked. a friend told me i might be an insomniac. maybe, but im not gonna take any meds. im gonna raw dog this insomnia like a humanity was supposed to.
there was a solar eclipse yesterday at around 2:42 am est. astrologically, it's supposed to be the end of this 1.5 year long cycle of transformation, and this solar eclipse is a time for reflection, depending on which house Sagittarius is in your chart.
been thinking about how much i've changed and how much my views have changed on basically everything, but mostly about people. i think i finally actually forgive my parents for the mistakes they made. there was a long time where i wanted to forgive them but i wasn't ready, and it caused a lot of arguments and strife. deadass almost got kicked out a few times lmao. but i think i found it in me to really forgive them this time. i've been really chill lately.
with people in general, it's more of the same. learning to be more forgiving with people and meeting them where they're at in their life. like when i was younger i was a raging SJW, neck deep into the breadtube (leftist youtube) circle, and because i was a stupid child i got angry a lot towards people who i honestly didn't see as my equal unless they agreed with me.
like i still care about politics, but not as much as i used to, because i think the way that i was viewing it, and the way a lot of people view it, is that they're going to change the world. it's a pipe dream. and it isn't healthy to put that burden on your shoulders. the weight of the world was never meant for humans.
stoic philosophy is something everyone should learn. there's a misconception that it's about just bottling up your emotions, when it's really just about not ruminating so much and learning to control your emotions instead of letting them control you. learning what is fact and what is subjective. learning what you can and can not control.
people need more introspection. maybe then the world wouldn't be the way that it is right now, where 13 year olds on twitter can destroy your life cuz you said a kpop group was bad, or where karens assault service workers cuz they were told mcdonalds ran out of coca-cola or whatever. but what do i know. im literally half asleep and starving right now because i forgot to eat a proper meal.
i really need to set reminders. i hate having disordered eating. human brains are so amazing; we can send people to outer space but need reminders to eat. my brain is broken but thats okay.
i'm gonna get some greek yogurt. goodnight.
november 23, 2021
4:19 am
listening to: --
now that life has calmed down a bit i can finally focus on this site again!
i've been doing rly good lately: working out even tho im still weak as fuck, i have most of my anger and sadness under control, im eating well. im pretty content rn.
sry for purging my site so often too, i just dont wanna post my Ls online lol i've embarassed myself enough.
i think i've ruined my sleep schedule again but thats expected from me now. im gonna try and get some sleep and maybe read a bit before i do.